Supporting Students Coping with College Rejection
The dreaded college rejection letter. Receiving that thin envelope after anxiously waiting, and reading those words "...we regret to inform you…" is crushing.
Ideally, your college-bound clients followed the advice of applying to a mixture of academically-fit schools from the three tiers: reach, match (i.e., schools that accept students with similar GPAs and test scores), and safety (i.e., backup schools).
Regardless of tier, students should have applied to schools that they would be willing and happy to attend. By doing so, they’ve already designed their fallbacks with Plans B, C, D, and so forth in the event that they receive rejections from their top-choice colleges.
As the old adage goes: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket! Planning ahead can undoubtedly soften the blow of a rejection letter. With fallback plans in place, students can adeptly pivot toward their Plan B, C, or whichever path lays open to them. Ultimately, if a student has done their due diligence before submitting their applications, they will receive at least one acceptance. And, frankly, it only takes one “yes” to lessen the pain of rejection.
The Reality of Rejection
Rejection hurts. Full stop. No matter how prepared a student is to receive that thin envelope with the denial inside, it’s nearly impossible to avoid the sting that comes with it. However, it is important to keep all things in perspective and, like it or not, rejection is a normal part of the college process.
Remember: admission committees have one main goal in mind: creating a well-balanced freshman class. That said, a student may have a dynamite application that truthfully touts having perfect grades, a 4.0 GPA, solid test scores, with a wake of volunteering and extracurriculars behind them and are still not guaranteed a spot at their top-choice college. Why? How? Simply put, it’s not personal. Their application may have been rejected, but that does not mean that they - as a person - have been rejected.
It sounds like sugar coating, but it's true: many colleges are downright overwhelmed by the sheer volume of exceptional students that they must deny. Depending on the school, rejection comes down to not having enough open seats for admission. The more elite the school, the lower the acceptance rate. Take Stanford University, for example: its fall 2020 acceptance rate was just 5%. Another example: Boston University’s fall 2020 acceptance rate was 20%. These are just two examples; however, these acceptance rates show that the chances of getting rejected depend a boatload on how difficult it is to get accepted.
Need help convincing your client? In the words of my hero LeVar Burton, “You don’t have to take my word for it!” College Board advises,
“Understanding the decision: Admission officers at selective colleges readily admit that as many as two-thirds of the students they reject are fully capable of succeeding academically at their institutions.” [TWO-THIRDS!!!] “Unfortunately, it is often a matter of too much demand for too few places. Understanding this reason for rejection can help students and their families better handle their disappointment.”
Coping with Rejection: Advice for Students and Parents
As a tutor, you’ve more than likely had your fair share of meltdowns over college rejections (both from students and their parents). It’s not exactly easy to be on our end - knowing what we know to be true of the college application process, and yet trying our best to offer condolences (without reciting oft-used platitudes [e.g., In order to achieve success, one must first experience rejection, yada yada…]), sound advice, and realistic encouragement. And yet, it is par for the course for us. Our clients often look to us to offer support and guidance while coming to terms with rejection and figuring out what comes next.
When a client approaches you feeling utterly dejected, help them navigate the grieving process (since that’s exactly what it is) through these steps and stages:
Grieving the loss. It’s perfectly normal for students and parents to feel sad and disappointed. Rejection letters hurt. If done right, the student’s application was full of hopes and dreams for their future. It’s only natural for those hopes and dreams to feel dashed when they’ve received a rejection letter. They’ll likely struggle with feelings of melancholy and loss for a future that (they feel) may not happen. It’s important for them to address these low feelings and give themselves time to accept the situation. Simply listen to them, allow them to vent, and acknowledge their disappointment. Make sure that they feel heard.
Facing humiliation. I would be remiss if I didn’t offer advice for clients who feel more humiliated than necessarily heartbroken upon receiving a rejection letter.
Put yourself in your client’s shoes. They are made to feel like the world is their oyster while applying and anxiously waiting to hear back from their first-choice schools. During that time, they speak openly to friends, family, and anyone who would listen, really, about their future and the possibility of attending that specific school. When the wait list letter arrives, there is a social component to the emotional response. Students are left to wonder things like, How should I break the news to everyone I’ve talked to? Should I act like it means nothing to me? Should I lean into my disappointment? No matter what, pretending everything is fine to save face, and trying to erase the inevitable feeling of humiliation is rough.
In reality, many of your clients’ peers will receive similar letters of being wait listed or flat-out rejected, too. The most important thing is to help clients keep things in perspective. This is one of those cases in which it’s beneficial to remind students that they’re not unique in getting waitlisted or rejected. This happens to a lot of people. It’s natural to feel humiliation when telling peers or family, but rejection is common and part of the process. Have an anecdote of your own? Share it with them. Let them know they are not alone.
Practicing self-care. It’s important to grieve, be honest about the situation, and take care of yourself. Encourage your client to treat themselves kindly. Rejection can be a real mind-wrecker. Stress the importance of self-care and leaning on close, supportive relationships to help them reflect and process the rejection in a healthy way.
Persevering. I don’t know about you, but I’m an avid devotee to Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking. It’s important to figure out a way to find the silver linings because this will not be the last time your client faces rejection in their life. However, this can be a teachable moment that helps them learn how to cope better next time.
Peal advises,
“Stand up to an obstacle. Just stand up to it, that’s all, and don’t give way under it, and it will finally break. You will break it. Something has to break, and it won’t be you, it will be the obstacle.”
Sound advice, in my opinion. Especially given that colleges are looking for students who can face adversity head on with resilience and tenacity - major qualities that foreshadow success in college and in any workplace.
Next Steps
Once your client has properly moved past the misery of receiving a rejection letter, moving forward becomes more conceivable. Their rejection can now be used as fuel to change direction.
First things first, go back to the drawing board. What were they hoping to accomplish at that specific college? Where can they attend that will still accomplish that same goal? This is the time to look past the rejection letter(s) and look toward the acceptance letter(s). It may sound trite, but it’s true: it’s not the college that matters, it’s the college experience. So, what options do they have that are a good fit for them - academically and personally?
Students need to:
Take a look at those acceptance letters. Go back and look through the merits of those schools that led them to apply there in the first place: program offerings, clubs and activities, financial aid packages, scholarships, etc. If they applied to those schools, then they’re still worth considering!
Focus on those schools and start to whittle down the list until they land on the one school that ticks off the most boxes. Remind them - no school is perfect and every school has its pros and cons. They need to choose the school that makes the most sense for their goals and ambitions.
Get excited! They need to stay laser-focused on the positive aspects and opportunities that will come with attending their final choice school. Encourage them to go for another visit, reach out to current students, and start imagining themselves attending there. It’s safe to start visualizing achieving their hopes and dreams again!
Part of being a top-notch tutor is being able to offer realistic and actionable guidance to clients. Rejection is a hard pill to swallow, but you can help your students refocus and get excited about the journey ahead with all of the new and exciting opportunities that lay before them!
As always, we here at Clear Choice Prep are here to offer advice as experienced test-prep professionals to help you and business provide your clients with the best support and guidance possible. To find out more about CCP and how we can help you become a better tutor, increase test scores, generate more referrals, and grow your tutoring business contact us today!